


preconceived assumptions

by Mertiya



Series: the newest and bravest of worlds. [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, Pesterlog, john is a dope, silly plot bunnies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 20:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mertiya/pseuds/Mertiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has an urgent need to converse with someone over pesterchum, preferably the fearless leader of our little band.  Karkat is his usual cheerful self.</p>
            </blockquote>





	preconceived assumptions

**Author's Note:**

> I feel as if I haven't been giving Homestuck enough love lately. And this little plot-bunny has been eating at me for months, now, so I finally typed it up. It's silly, but I like it. Particularly darling Karkles.

ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CG]

EB: karkat?    
EB: karkat are you there?    
EB: karkat!    
CG: JEGUS, YES, I AM HERE.    
EB: thank god! i thought maybe you weren't.    
CG: COULD THAT POSSIBLY BE BECAUSE YOU GAVE ME LESS THAN A NOOK-WRIGGLING NANOSECOND TO RESPOND TO YOU?    
CG: LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT THAT YOUR TINY HUMAN BRAIN CAN COMPREHEND: YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHY.    
EB: sorry, karkat. :( i just really need to talk to somebody.    
CG: IS THIS ABOUT VRISKA AGAIN?    
EB: um...    
CG: BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE I TOLD YOU I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO GIVE YOU ANYMORE ADVICE AFTER THE LAST TIME YOU TRAUMATIZED ME.    
EB: i said i was sorry!    
CG: YES, BECAUSE A SINGLE APOLOGY TOTALLY MADE UP FOR THE MENTAL IMAGE OF THE TWO OF YOU IN THAT FUCKING POSITION.    
CG: WAIT.    
CG: FUCK.    
CG: OKAY, WELL, THAT CAME OUT WRONG, BUT I GUESS IT WAS PRETTY ACCURATE, COME TO THINK OF IT.    
EB: i get it! jeez, karkat, i'm sorry, okay? but this is kind of important!    
EB: i'm kind of worried!    
EB: actually, i'm really pretty much panicking! i think vriska is possibly going to kill me!    
CG: I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT FOR THREE YEARS!    
EB: no, i mean really!    
CG: YEAH, I MEANT REALLY. DID YOU THINK I MEANT NOT IN A REAL FASHION?    
CG: LIKE MAYBE IN SOME KIND OF SEMI-REAL OR ILLUSORY FASHION?    
EB: okay, i know you think she has murderous tendencies, but   
CG: SAYING THAT VRISKA HAS MURDEROUS TENDENCIES IS LIKE SAYING THAT THOSE LITTLE FLUFFBEASTS NEPETA KEEPS TAMING ARE SLIGHTLY PLEASING IN AN AESTHETIC WAY.    
EB: oh my gosh.    
CG: WHAT.    
EB: you think the rabbits are cute?    
CG: WAIT, I DIDN'T MEAN.    
EB: that's so adorable!    
CG: JUST FUCKING KILL ME NOW.    
EB: you are going to make such a great dad!    
CG: OKAY, CAN WE NOT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION AGAIN?    
CG: I KNOW EXACTLY HOW IT'S GOING TO GO.    
EB: remember how i'm kind of seriously panicking here?    
EB: i'm fine with not having this conversation!    
EB: if you let me tell you about the thing i need to tell you about...    
CG: OH GOD.    
CG: FINE.    
CG: BUT IF YOU START SPOUTING OFF ABOUT YOUR BULGE-CARPING MATING HABITS AGAIN, I WON'T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.    
EB: well...    
CG: SERIOUSLY, EGBERT.    
EB: it's not EXACTLY our mating habits.    
CG: I'M WARNING YOU.    
EB: it's more, um...    
EB: the result of mating habits?    
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?    
EB: so you know how rose didn't think that aliens and humans would be cross-fertile?    
EB: and if the troll/human couples wanted to have kids, we'd have to do some weird genetic-splicing tricks?  
CG: YES, AS THE FUCKNOODLE WITH THE MISFORTUNE TO HAVE BEEN DUBBED 'LEADER' BY ALL OF YOU BULGE-COOKING MORONS, I AM AWARE OF THE FERTILITY ISSUES.   
CG: TO MY EVERLASTING SHAME AND SORROW, THIS ALSO SEEMS TO MEAN YOU LOT THINK YOU CAN JUST DUMP ALL OF YOUR LAME, DESPERATE INABILITY TO FUCK PROPERLY ON ME AND EXPECT ME TO SOLVE ALL YOUR SEXUAL DILEMMAS.   
EB: that was one time...   
CG: AND IT HAS SCARRED ME.   
CG: I THINK I MENTIONED THIS EARLIER.   
EB: okay, yes, i know you're still kind of upset about that!   
EB: and i'm sorry!   
EB: and i wouldn't be bringing this up right now except that  
EB: i think maybe rose was wrong.   
CG: WHAT?   
EB: remember how nepeta started throwing up weird gook?   
CG: NO, I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW SHE COVERED ME FROM HEAD TO FOOT WITH SLIME THREE DAYS AGO.   
CG: BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF THING YOU FORGET INSTANTLY.   
CG: AS OPPOSED TO REMEMBERING THE DISGUSTING SMELL AND FEELING THAT TAKES THREE DAYS TO WASH OFF.   
EB: well, vriska kind of threw up.   
EB: like that.   
EB: and i got hold of one of the scanner-things that rose has been using on nepeta, and um...   
EB: i used it on vriska.   
EB: and she's pregnant.   
CG: WHAT.   
CG: WEREN'T YOU GUYS, YOU KNOW, NOT HAVING SEX IN A MANNER SUCH THAT BABIES WOULD BE LIKELY TO RESULT EVEN IF YOU WERE GENETICALLY COMPATIBLE WHICH YOU'RE NOT?   
EB: after rose said we couldn't...you know...   
EB: we kind of stopped having protected sex.   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK, EGBERT?   
EB: i know!   
EB: it was stupid.   
EB: it just didn't seem like it would matter.   
EB: except now it does.   
CG: SO, YOU'RE TELLING ME VRISKA IS PREGNANT, AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET.   
EB: yeah.   
EB: pretty much.   
CG: MY ADVICE.   
EB: yeah???   
CG: INVEST IN A SUIT OF ARMOR.   
CG: AND POSSIBLY AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK.   
EB: karkat!!!!!!!!   
CG: OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT OVER. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 


End file.
